


Big Fandom Dreams

by idrilhadhafang



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Fans & Fandom, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Ben Solo Writes Fanfiction, Characters Reading Fanfiction, Characters Writing Fanfiction, Child Abandonment, Crack Treated Seriously, Endgame Poe Dameron/Ben Solo, Fanfiction Writer Ben Solo, Fanfiction Writer Poe Dameron, Gay Ben Solo, Gay Poe Dameron, M/M, Mention of major character death, Metafiction, Past Child Abuse, Rey and Ben Solo Are Adoptive Siblings, to Leia I mean
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-14
Updated: 2019-07-17
Packaged: 2020-06-28 06:05:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,043
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19806265
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idrilhadhafang/pseuds/idrilhadhafang
Summary: It was in the midst of everything, including writing his review on Livejournal, that Ben hadn’t even considered the chemistry between John and the Jedi Killer, but it was browsing through fanfiction that he couldn’t help but crinkle his nose at the Kira/Jedi Killer fanfiction that seemed almost endless. Wasn’t it obvious? It was Jacob and the Jedi Killer that was infinitely more interesting, especially with the promise of history between them...In which Ben Solo and Poe Dameron meet online, and strike up a friendship that turns into more.





	1. First Viewing

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing. 
> 
> Author’s Notes: From This-got-too-big-for-trope-bingo Productions...
> 
> Also, Kira is supposed to be the Rey stand-in, the Jedi Killer is supposed to be Kylo, Sam is supposed to be Finn, John (at an anon’s suggestion) is supposed to be Poe, etc.

When Ben Solo was eighteen years old, he, Rey and his father went to see _Star Wars: The Force Awakens_ in theaters. 

It wasn’t exactly easy. Even getting tickets for the damn movie was an adventure, Ben had to admit. And then there was him and Rey being seated in front of two jokers thinking they were being funny. But Ben had to admit after the horrors of the old Star Wars Expanded Universe...this was a breath of fresh air, really. And a good reward for him completing his first year of college. 

Even if they had to kill off the Jedi Killer’s dad. 

It was outside the theater that Rey spoke. “Okay. The movie was good. I liked Kira. I liked Sam and John. But...what the bloody hell was up with them killing off the Jedi Killer’s father?”

Rey’s birth parents — who weren’t exactly the paragon of parenting — were British, and though she was in a family that was, in Han’s words, as American as hot dogs and apple pie, she hadn’t quite lost her birth parents’ use of slang. Or her accent. 

Ben shrugged. “I thought it was pretty effective.”

”Yeah, but it wasn’t fair,” Rey said. “I mean...if I were the Jedi Killer, I wouldn’t kill my dad.”

Ben smiled sadly. “I don’t think anyone would.”

Han spoke up. “Wasn’t the guy just sick and tired of playing the role and that’s why his character got killed off?”

”Yeah, I think,” Rey said. “Still...it sucks. I love Star Wars, but I don’t think I’d want to live in the universe.”

”Glad to live on Earth?” Ben teased. 

Rey crinkled her nose. “You could say that.”

***

It was in the midst of everything, including writing his review on Livejournal, that Ben hadn’t even considered the chemistry between John and the Jedi Killer, but it was browsing through fanfiction that he couldn’t help but crinkle his nose at the Kira/Jedi Killer fanfiction that seemed almost endless. Wasn’t it obvious? It was John and the Jedi Killer that was infinitely more interesting, especially with the promise of history between them...

A lightbulb all but went off. He could start writing that. Add in that he was genuinely interested in where the Jedi Killer came from, and...yeah. 

Ben opened up his AO3 account, clicked on “Post New Work” and, so, got to work. First chapter was a framing device from Jake’s perspective; hopefully he’d be able to pull it off. 

***

It was when Ben posted his story on AO3 that he had to wait for a while. During that while, he couldn’t help but be tired and anxious and on edge even as he browsed through different stories — seemingly endless cascades of Kira and the Jedi Killer fanfiction. (Ben supposed he didn’t understand — weren’t Sam and John right there? It made no sense) Still, there was really no use complaining, not really. Don’t like, don’t read, as the old saying went. 

Eventually, Ben got tired and went back to his inbox, only to see that he had gotten one message. His heart pounded in both excitement and worry. It would be so easy to simply assume he’d gotten a positive review, but things weren’t that simple. 

He clicked on his inbox. 

A review from someone by the name of BlackLeader1. 

_Hey, this is pretty good! Keep up the good work. I really like how you portrayed John here; I can imagine the poor guy has a lot of issues to work through._

Ben could swear that his heart — well, it felt like Bill the Lizard from _Alice in Wonderland_ going through the roof, but in a good way. A really good way, actually, brilliant, really. 

Ben hit the reply button once he had calmed down. 

_Thanks! I wanted to capture John’s mental state as accurately as possible. Poor guy — I can’t imagine that he would make it out unscathed after what the Jedi Killer did. Not gonna lie, I was nervous, but you really made me feel right at ease._

He sat back and grinned despite himself. Not a bad step into the Star Wars fandom. Not really. 


	2. Simplicity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben’s crush/thirst only grows.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Rey Jackson-Solo  
  
Hi, Ben. How are things down at Starkiller?   
Ben Solo  
I’m good. Just really bored. Classes are boring.   
Seriously? You’re taking bloody science and you’re bored?   
Ben Solo  
Don’t @ me, Rey.   
Honestly, I’d be happier if we had a fanfiction class or something like that.   
You are so nerdy. I love it. 😁  Guilty as charged. But yeah, honestly...there’s this guy I met on AO3, BlackLeader, and he’s incredibly nice! Not to mention funny, a good writer, and fuck, Rey, he’s so gorgeous...  Getting serious, are you? 😉  I...might have gone on his Instagram. He does fan art too, and it looks great, but...fuck, Rey, he’s gorgeous. I think I’m in love. 😍  My little Benny, having a crush...it’s adorable. 🥰  I don’t even know him well. I think it’s more...man crush, really. I mean, I’m jealous! He’s so beautiful, and I’m...  Ben, relax. From a strictly adoptive sibling standpoint, you are not ugly. Have you considered just DMing him on Instagram or Tumblr or something?  Hopefully without seeming weird... 

Ben sighed. It was after he’d finished his homework for now and was now working on checking up on Rey and telling her about BlackLeader (it had been a week and they’d struck up a rapport, commenting on each other’s fics). He hadn’t told Rey everything, like how BlackLeader’s compliments on his ongoing WIP honestly made his heart skip a beat. How Ben wanted to be like him, exude that sort of cool that just seemed genuine and not like mere posturing.

He looked at BlackLeader’s most recent picture on Instagram. A picture of himself, having gotten ready for the day...and fuck, Ben knew that he shouldn’t be just creeping through someone’s Instagram, but BlackLeader (whoever he was) was absolutely beautiful, with his wavy dark hair and those eyes...

Shyly, Ben typed his comment. _You look nice,_ he typed, suddenly feeling his mouth go dry.

It was later that he got a message in his Instagram DMs. His first one.

**Messages with** KyloRenForever  
  
**BlackLeader1:** Hey, KRF! It’s good to see you. (Can I call you that?) It’s not really much; I kind of rolled out of bed.   
  
**KyloRenForever:** I wish I looked that good when I rolled out of bed. 

Ben wished he hadn’t just typed it in that moment. But fuck, BlackLeader definitely shouldn’t just put down his own beauty like that.

**Messages with** KyloRenForever  
  
**BlackLeader:** So you’re charming as well as being a good writer and a nice person? I like you.   
  
**KyloRenForever:** Not sure about charming, but...thanks. 

Ben paused. “Charming”? He wasn’t charming. Back in high school, he was the weird one. The one who stood out. And yet the fact this beautiful, kind man found him charming...

Fuck, but he was falling hard.

**Messages with** KyloRenForever  
  
**BlackLeader:** It’s the truth.   
  
**KyloRenForever:** You’re not bad yourself. Really, really. I mean...you’re nice. Really nice. And I wish I had your hair. From an objective standpoint. 

**BlackLeader:** It’s a bit of a hassle. 

  
**KyloRenForever:** It looks nice. Really. 

Ben supposed he could go on. About how that smile could outshine the sun, about how his natural beauty and charisma and compassion made Ben want him and want to be him all at once. But some things were best left unsaid.

There was no sign of their...rather flirtatious conversation in the regular comments. But BlackLeader had said a simple “thank you”, and even that left butterflies in Ben’s stomach.

Fuck.

Ben slumped back in his chair. He was effectively fucked, all for a man he probably never met.

***

Poe Dameron was used to people complimenting him on his looks. Usually in very...crass terms. People talking about how pretty he was. But there was something about KyloRenForever (interesting screenname, for what it was worth) that was...sweet. Innocent and shy. Some would say Poe was flirting with him, and while Poe was sweet and charming to just about everyone...well, something about KyloRenForever made his heart flutter, and he couldn’t put his finger on why.

Either way...well, Poe knew he couldn’t wait to keep knowing him.


	3. Unwelcome

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Han drops a bombshell on Ben.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.
> 
> Author’s Notes: At an anon’s suggestion, I tweaked the name of Poe’s stand-in to be John. Also, the Jedi Killer’s birth name is inspired by the old SW Legends canon.
> 
> And I know Poe’s chapter is short as fuck. I’m sorry.

### Notes:

Hey, everyone. BlackLeader1 here. I just wanted to say that updates may be a little erratic; let’s say that my senior year of college — plus doing fanart and whatnot — have been kicking my ass. But don’t worry, I’m seeing this through to the end. Also, on another note, I’ve been reading this backstory for the Jedi Killer by one KyloRenForever, called Let the Past Die, and it’s really held my interest. I recommend you check it out! That’s all for now. I hope you enjoy this latest update! 

It had been at least a week since Jacen recovered from his injuries (all the while complaining about being effectively grounded), and John was coming to grips with the fact that his feelings for Jacen weren’t just those of a friend. 

He’d been used to thinking of Jacen as just that — a good friend. A really good friend. Being shot down, though...it had been one of those instances where John’s fear for him had ripped through him, not just being dear-stars-my-friend-nearly-died. 

How did he break it to him, though? After all, he couldn’t just say that he was in love with him...assuming that was what it was. Then again, John doubted that he’d know falling in love if it bit him, sometimes. 

“For the stars’ sakes,” Kat said at one point. “Just go and find him. Talk to him.” 

John did. Jacen was currently in the library, reading through the different records that the Resistance kept. Jedi texts that his uncle had taken with him. 

“Hey,” John said. “Are you okay?” 

Jacen nodded. “Just...brushing up on my skills. I’ve probably been really rusty since I had to rest. Honestly...” 

“I bet you’re still good,” John said. “Maybe we could practice together? I mean...you can teach me some of your moves.” 

“Wouldn’t hurt.” Jacen shrugged off his robe, revealing his broad shoulders and...wow, very muscled arms. John couldn’t help but feel absolutely average in comparison. Jacen wasn’t shirtless, but he was wearing a sleeveless training shirt. Kriffing gorgeous, as Kat would have said. 

“We’re using swords,” Jacen said. “I don’t want to injure you with my saber.” 

They sparred with swords, and by the time they were done — they were both out of breath and sweaty. Even looking at him...John doubted he’d seen anything more beautiful. 

“Nice fighting,” Jacen said. 

“Thanks,” John said. “Jace...there’s something I want to tell you...” 

He broke off. How did he do it? 

Jacen’s uncle was almost like a welcome interruption. “Jacen...how are you feeling?” 

And yet even as he watched Jacen be all but swept away, John couldn’t help but wish he’d had the courage to say what he needed to say. 

### Notes:

Yeah, I know, they need to get their shit together. That much is pretty obvious, isn’t it? 

[]() []() []() [](http://archiveofourown.org/comments/show_comments?work_id=YOUR_WORK_ID_HERE)

***

Posting his latest chapter had been a success, Poe couldn’t help but think. There were people who genuinely seemed invested in John and the would-have-been-Jedi-Killer’s romance. Not as much as, say, John and Sam or Kira and the Jedi Killer (the latter for some reason) but at the same time...there was an audience. There were people who actually cared about the slow burn that Poe was writing. People who wanted to know more. 

He was definitely doing something right there. 

***

It was after school that Han dropped the bombshell on Ben. 

“Your mother wants to get back in contact with you.”

“What?” Ben would have honestly been less surprised if his father said that aliens wanted to make first contact. His mother. Someone who had simply left when Ben was a child and hadn’t looked back. Ben still hadn’t known why.

Han sighed. “I know. I know I know I know. I don’t know why now, really. Thought she was better off with someone else...but she misses you. Misses us.”

“Awfully convenient,” Ben said bitterly. 

“Ben, I know you have issues with her — ”

“Yeah. Issues.” Ben had been small, but he was observant enough to know how she treated him and his father. Being the distaff version of a Daddy’s Girl (a Daddy’s Boy?) made it worse. 

Han put a hand on Ben’s shoulder and squeezed tightly. “We’ll be okay. Really.”

***

Talking with Rey hadn’t helped. Rey just hadn’t understood why Ben had...for lack of a better word, misgivings about Leia coming home. She seemed to think it was wonderful, Ben being reunited with her. Maybe it was true. It wasn’t like Ben had been beaten or molested or had parents who drank — after all, neither Han nor Leia was the type. But his mother...

His mother’s biological father hadn’t been kind to her. This Ben knew. Luckily Leia and her brother had been put in foster care, but the damage had been done as far as Ben knew. He knew that his mother looked at him and saw her hated father, even though from a young age Ben had promised that he wouldn’t be anything like him. 

Logging onto Instagram and finding BlackLeader’s DMs was almost comforting, at least.

**Messages with** BlackLeader  
  
**KyloRenForever:** Are you there?   
  
**BlackLeader:** Sure! What’s up? 

Ben paused. He didn’t know how to put it, really. He wished he did. 

**Messages with** BlackLeader  
  
**KyloRenForever:** My dad dropped a bombshell on me. My mom’s back in town.  
  
**BlackLeader:** Is that good or bad?

Ben sighed. It was unfair to make a judgment of BlackLeader when he probably didn’t know the full story. And yet he worried that this conversation would go the same way as with Rey, where...

But that was ridiculous, right?

**Messages with** BlackLeader  
  
**KyloRenForever:** My mom and I never had a good relationship. She walked out on the family when I was a kid. My dad’s been raising me and my adoptive sister ever since.   
  
**BlackLeader:** I...damn. I’m so sorry. 

Even that simple message was enough to make Ben feel better. He couldn’t help but keep typing. 

**Messages with** BlackLeader  
  
**KyloRenForever:** It’s just fucked. And now my dad and my adoptive sister want me to say that it was okay that she just ditched us and broke all of our hearts. Fucking convenient too, that she shows up when I’m in college. I wish she hadn’t left. I’m sorry; I know I sound like a whiner.   
  
**BlackLeader:** No, it’s fine. KRF, Kylo...you’re not a whiner. Never never. 

Fuck, but that was a huge weight off Ben’s shoulders. 

**Messages with** BlackLeader  
  
**KyloRenForever:** Thank you. Really. On a lighter note, how’s the fic going?  
  
**BlackLeader:** Good. Actually surprised at how good a reception it’s been getting, but I guess everyone loves a good fix-it. 😉 

Ben’s heart couldn’t help but flutter all the while. 

**Messages with** BlackLeader   
  
**KyloRenForever:** Yeah. And you’re a good writer.   
  
**BlackLeader:** I’m all right. 😉

Ben chuckled. Somehow he was feeling better. Fuck, if only BlackLeader didn’t no doubt live far away. It really did up those feelings of sadness, knowing that the threads between them were tenuous at best. Still, the fact that BlackLeader had understood where Rey hadn’t...it was something. 


	4. Defining Hope

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A bit of a reaction period, after the bombshell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.
> 
> Author’s Notes: Let’s say the anon that suggested the Poe stand-in’s name change suggested Tumblr show up (sort of). I think that suggestion broke my writer’s block on this story!
> 
> BTW, the Snoke stand-in being a woman here was inspired by a bit of a rumor about Snoke originally intended to be a woman. “Asha” comes from my Broken Edge verse, because I recycle ideas.

KyloRenForever Getting away from family drama and back into my ship like:  KillerPilot is awesome and anyone who says otherwise can fight me in a Denny’s parking lot.  #updates 5 notes 

Making that post was as good a prelude as any to updating “Let the Past Die”. A sktory based on the Jedi Killer’s young adult years, which, according to a tie-in book, _Bloodline,_ was when he turned to the Dark Side, Ben was currently getting back to the woman who had ultimately persuaded him to the Dark Side, Asha. Even getting into her head was unsettling, but Ben figured it was necessary to keep the story from dragging. 

Then he could get back to KillerPilot (the idiosyncratic name for John and the Jedi Killer) all too easily. Those parts were at least a refuge from the fact that his mother actually wanted to make a reappearance in his life. All with someone who probably couldn’t even measure up to Dad. Not really. 

Even as Ben typed, it was therapeutic. He could forget about being mad at Rey, or his mother, or anything like that. He could just escape. 

***

It was when Ben got back to Tumblr to promote his next chapter of Let The Past Die that he found that someone had dropped off something in his inbox. One reply later:

KyloRenForever **BlackLeader** asked:Will the Denny’s duel involve spoons? 😉 Bad joke aside, that was a good chapter! You really got into Asha’s head a bit too well. I’m impressed!  Thank you, BlackLeader! Honestly, you overvalidate me, methinks. And I was being figurative about the Denny’s duel. Though toy lightsabers would be better — if Denny’s allows them. Gotta keep the Star Wars vibe!  #blackleader#answered asks 5 notes 

Ben had to smile. Even the mental image of a lightsaber duel in a Denny’s parking lot...well, it was different. He would say that much. He wouldn’t mind going up against BlackLeader — for fun, not out of a serious vendetta or anything like that. Maybe a grand John Williams soundtrack to go with it. You had to have the Williams in there somewhere, after all.

Rey was probably still mad at him, for what it was worth. He didn’t want to think about her being mad at him. His sister, mad at him just because of his own Mommy issues. But he could still remember the fights. Leia, confiding in him that she didn’t feel like Dad was the Han Solo she fell in love with. Leia, alternating between cruelty and kindness.

It was enough to make your head spin. Even the Jedi Killer’s mother...Ben had almost wanted to cry at what a good mother she really was. He wondered if it was possible to purchase a good mother, really.

He wished it was. 

Maybe things would be different this time around. For now, making some KillerPilot manips wasn’t a bad way to get his mind off things. 


End file.
